I went out amidst the pines today. Their towering columns brought you to mind. The sun danced, and the wind whispered, and I was lost among those old friends. It was there that I remembered my promise to you.
Cedar and Sage called to me lulled me. The gentle sway of those old giants brought me a sense of peace that had been absent since you left. My heartache eased, and I was able to think with more clarity.
It wonders me how the heart can yearn for something that never quite belonged to it. You remain elusive, yet for a time you were tantalizingly close. There is so much I don’t know, about you or myself. About the situation. Perhaps that is what keeps my heart unsettled.
I sit at the base of a large pine, the sun drifting lazily through its fanned needles to warm my shoulders. Its caress reminds me of your strong hands, gentle and magical. My body will never forget the way your hands made me feel treasured, important.
Under the guard of that ancient one I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to lay with you here in this place, among the trees. I can almost feel you against me. There is that deep ache again, the pain of the unknown, of losing something before it began.
The breeze teases my hair, revealing the curve of my neck, feeling warm against it. My brain tries to tell me that it would never have worked out, that for all I know, we have nothing in common. But, I think that is part of the problem. I know so little about you; just enough to know you are a good man, my foolish heart filling in the rest with wistful thinking. Dangerous thinking.
I try to tell myself that if you had not left, we would have found each other incompatible. But my heart does not believe it. She chooses, instead, to dream about what it might be like to spend time with you in the daylight, amid the trees that we both love.
You see, I had forgotten what I said, those words I gave you. It seems that for a while now I have been wrapped up in hurt, unable to see past the loss of you, of your beautiful words, of your loving hands. You left me hungry, in need and it has been all I dwell upon.
But now, here in this place, I remember that I promised you I would be happy. It seemed such an easy thing at the time. But, as I watched you in my rear view mirror, knowing I would never see you again, that slow ache set in and it has been with me ever since.
You will forever have a piece of my heart. I will hold the memory of your close to me. And I will be happy. After all, a promise is sacred. When your memory lingers close, and this foolish heart yearns again, I will return here, among the trees. I will close my eyes, and you will be with me again.